Wedding & kids bday same day...

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Today, 01:39 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 36	Hi all-this may be complicated. Will try to be as brief as possible. We found out last year that my H's brother was getting remarried, the date they picked...our 8yo Ds birthday. As soon as we found out date (months after it was picked), I was annoyed (not a good relationship w/ H's family, felt like someone should have given us the heads up to make sure we planned on being in town or maybe even recognize that it was already a special day for our family, but no, no one said a word). I said would do whatever D wanted to do. If she wanted to share her day and go to wedding, fine with me, if she didn't want to, I would honor that for her and would skip the wedding- we are NOT close with his brother or bride to be. He was immediately pissed as he felt like the wedding was more important than OUR d's bday. I disagree. Months go by, holidays come and go including family get togethers, the wedding is mentioned but no one ever mentions the other event that day. I'm a little offended. Early this year, bride to be calls H and asks if D would be in the wedding. We talk to her and she agrees. Ok. Well, based on our previous conversation, I clearly stated I would go if D wanted to share her day. Obviously she was willing to share if she agreed to be in the wedding. I assumed we would ALL be going. Invitation comes, I left on counter so H could see. I forgot it was there and never mailed RSVP, H never mentioned it. Groom calls H to confirm we are coming and ask about rehearsal dinner. We had already told them D agreed to be in wedding so I assumed we would have to attend all events. H asks me the other night "Are you going to XX wedding?" He ASKED me if I was attending his brothers wedding...I took this as a HUGE insult. Um- 1) I told you I would go if D wanted to share her day. 2) We discussed it with her together, she agreed she wanted to go/be part of the wedding so by default, we would all be going. 3) I would assume that the simple fact that we are married 10+ years, together 20+ years, that any major event in either family located close by would not need to be discussed unless there was some other conflict on that day. My real questions to all of you-----Am I crazy to feel insulted that he didn't assume we would ALL be attending, A family wedding, in town on our D's bday? I almost feel as if he doesn't want me to go (very strained marriage and not a good relationship w/ inlaws). He has done this type of thing before, we'll decide to go somewhere, then he comes back and says, "well if you don't want to, I'll go by myself" AFTER I said I would go. Any thoughts or questions?
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Today, 01:56 PM	? #6 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 463	A few things here...in the grand scheme of things, a wedding in the family is usually going to take precidence over a non milestone childs birthday. From what it sounds like, you are not terribly close to the bride or groom and really, missing the wedding would not have been a huge deal. Since you are not that close, I think it is unreasonable to expect them to feel the same way about your daughters birthday as you do. To be blunt, in most cases, outside of immediate close family, nobody really cares about your kids birthday to the point where they would even think about it beyond remembering to get a card the night before. As far as your husband asking if you planned on going to the wedding, sure, it is a safe assumption that you would all be going, but I do think it is unreasonable for you to feel insulted just because he didn't have the same assumption you did and actually ASKED you what you planned on doing instead of just assuming.
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Today, 02:23 PM	? #13 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 585	Quote: Hi all-this may be complicated. Will try to be as brief as possible. We found out last year that my H's brother was getting remarried, the date they picked...our 8yo Ds birthday. As soon as we found out date (months after it was picked), I was annoyed (not a good relationship w/ H's family, felt like someone should have given us the heads up to make sure we planned on being in town or maybe even recognize that it was already a special day for our family, but no, no one said a word). I said would do whatever D wanted to do. If she wanted to share her day and go to wedding, fine with me, if she didn't want to, I would honor that for her and would skip the wedding- we are NOT close with his brother or bride to be. He was immediately pissed as he felt like the wedding was more important than OUR d's bday. I disagree. Months go by, holidays come and go including family get togethers, the wedding is mentioned but no one ever mentions the other event that day. I'm a little offended. Early this year, bride to be calls H and asks if D would be in the wedding. We talk to her and she agrees. Ok. Well, based on our previous conversation, I clearly stated I would go if D wanted to share her day. Obviously she was willing to share if she agreed to be in the wedding. I assumed we would ALL be going. Invitation comes, I left on counter so H could see. I forgot it was there and never mailed RSVP, H never mentioned it. Groom calls H to confirm we are coming and ask about rehearsal dinner. We had already told them D agreed to be in wedding so I assumed we would have to attend all events. H asks me the other night "Are you going to XX wedding?" He ASKED me if I was attending his brothers wedding...I took this as a HUGE insult. Um- 1) I told you I would go if D wanted to share her day. 2) We discussed it with her together, she agreed she wanted to go/be part of the wedding so by default, we would all be going. 3) I would assume that the simple fact that we are married 10+ years, together 20+ years, that any major event in either family located close by would not need to be discussed unless there was some other conflict on that day. My real questions to all of you-----Am I crazy to feel insulted that he didn't assume we would ALL be attending, A family wedding, in town on our D's bday? I almost feel as if he doesn't want me to go (very strained marriage and not a good relationship w/ inlaws). He has done this type of thing before, we'll decide to go somewhere, then he comes back and says, "well if you don't want to, I'll go by myself" AFTER I said I would go. Any thoughts or questions? You're using any excuse you can to be passive aggressive against your husband and his family. Sorry but you're WAY OFF base. 1. You asked your D hoping an 8 year old would say no because what 8 year old wants to give up their B-day..that failed 2. Your SEARCHING for reasons to be insulted. Your husband asks if you were going because you've made it ABUNDANTLY clear you want nothing to do with it. 3. You need to get over yourself and deal with this properly and stop being a manipulative person who is putting her grudges ahead of the family's well being. You plan a BIG birthday party the week before the wedding. You explain the plan to your daughter. You THANK your H's brother for ACTUALLY WANTING TO INCLUDE HIS NEICE! You put on a smile and be nice and MAYBE JUST MAYBE you enjoy your time with YOUR family...because while you're married...they're YOUR family too. __________________ The more posts I read. The more I love my wife!
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